Healing spontaneity
Spontaneity is a voluntary or undetermined action. It is frequently
observed that in difficult times, spontaneity disappears. A state akin
to freezing up happens. Security is desired. Predictability is desired.
Spontaneous decisions tend to be a trade off for more predictable
decisions. Both have their role in helping us adapt to everyday life. If
our response to stressful situations in life are causing us
difficulties then, there is high probability that that we have our
predictability/spontaneity balance wrong.
If difficulties are faced with withdrawing into a shell, "playing it safe", isolation results. Anxiety about things cause us to start planning things in a way that they are predictable, hence under our control. Infact almost all freezing up or danger of freezing up is because of lack of spontaneity.
I will give the example of this common scenario by introducing to you Sarah.
Sarah went through a bitter divorce. As a result she stopped trusting people for a while. She felt that people were out to take advantage of her. She started withdrawing from her friends. She did not want to go to work, because it was exhausting to put on a face in front of everyone. She did not want to talk to her relatives because those five minutes in which she was talking to her relatives seemed an eternity. She would sit and watch TV all day. She would spend her time thinking how she could arrange things so that they would not overwhelm her. Social encounters, projects, sleep, appetite all needed to be planned. In her fragile state, something unpredictable carried a huge risk of ruining her entire day.
We learn spontaneity in childhood. One of the first thing we practice is play. Play is impossible if one does not take risks or experiments. The delight of play is usually accompanied by delight in oneself, a confidence in one's abilities and the ability to act authentically in accordance to one's genuine beliefs. Every play is unique to that individual and serves as an affirmation of their personality. It is only with spontaneity that one can make a statement to the universe, "I am who I am and I love who I am".
Sarah worked hard in therapy. She recognized the fact, that she lived in her mind, more than she lived in the world. She started engaging in little acts that seemed dangerous to her. She went to a completely new grocery store, at the other end of town and spent time discovering things that made it different from the one that she used to get grocery at. She started smiling at babies or children that she came across. In the office, she started wishing a good morning to five people everyday. She had a script of three opening sentences and three topics, with which she would carry a conversation, and she found out that she did not have to use a second topic in the conversations that she started. Gradually she stopped preparing for conversations. She reconnected with positive people in her life. She picked up biking again. That had healing effects which originated from her childhood.
During re(dis)covery, one of the most important things is to rediscover the play in oneself. Rediscovering this quality in the uncontaminated nature of childhood can be a life saver (literally). A buildup of confidence is paramount in preparation for this rediscovery but the best part is that it is a positive cycle that reinforces itself to multiply. People who are successful in their risk to be spontaneous, usually get an amazing sense of relief and rekindling of hope. This makes them try being more spontaneous. And so the one act multiplies.
Discovering potential areas in which to practice spontaneity is something that happens in therapy. Discovering protective boundaries in which spontaneity can be nurtured without being overwhelmed is something that happens in therapy. Discovery of habits, things or people who aid our spontaneity are all things that happen in therapy. "A loosening up", "go with the flow", "it's ok to smile", "it's ok to take risks on people and circumstances", "i can deal with it regardless of what might come my way", are all positive affirmations that happen in therapy. Usually when all this happens, one can see the multiplication of spontaneity in a person's life and then re(dis)covery.
If difficulties are faced with withdrawing into a shell, "playing it safe", isolation results. Anxiety about things cause us to start planning things in a way that they are predictable, hence under our control. Infact almost all freezing up or danger of freezing up is because of lack of spontaneity.
I will give the example of this common scenario by introducing to you Sarah.
Sarah went through a bitter divorce. As a result she stopped trusting people for a while. She felt that people were out to take advantage of her. She started withdrawing from her friends. She did not want to go to work, because it was exhausting to put on a face in front of everyone. She did not want to talk to her relatives because those five minutes in which she was talking to her relatives seemed an eternity. She would sit and watch TV all day. She would spend her time thinking how she could arrange things so that they would not overwhelm her. Social encounters, projects, sleep, appetite all needed to be planned. In her fragile state, something unpredictable carried a huge risk of ruining her entire day.
We learn spontaneity in childhood. One of the first thing we practice is play. Play is impossible if one does not take risks or experiments. The delight of play is usually accompanied by delight in oneself, a confidence in one's abilities and the ability to act authentically in accordance to one's genuine beliefs. Every play is unique to that individual and serves as an affirmation of their personality. It is only with spontaneity that one can make a statement to the universe, "I am who I am and I love who I am".
Sarah worked hard in therapy. She recognized the fact, that she lived in her mind, more than she lived in the world. She started engaging in little acts that seemed dangerous to her. She went to a completely new grocery store, at the other end of town and spent time discovering things that made it different from the one that she used to get grocery at. She started smiling at babies or children that she came across. In the office, she started wishing a good morning to five people everyday. She had a script of three opening sentences and three topics, with which she would carry a conversation, and she found out that she did not have to use a second topic in the conversations that she started. Gradually she stopped preparing for conversations. She reconnected with positive people in her life. She picked up biking again. That had healing effects which originated from her childhood.
During re(dis)covery, one of the most important things is to rediscover the play in oneself. Rediscovering this quality in the uncontaminated nature of childhood can be a life saver (literally). A buildup of confidence is paramount in preparation for this rediscovery but the best part is that it is a positive cycle that reinforces itself to multiply. People who are successful in their risk to be spontaneous, usually get an amazing sense of relief and rekindling of hope. This makes them try being more spontaneous. And so the one act multiplies.
Discovering potential areas in which to practice spontaneity is something that happens in therapy. Discovering protective boundaries in which spontaneity can be nurtured without being overwhelmed is something that happens in therapy. Discovery of habits, things or people who aid our spontaneity are all things that happen in therapy. "A loosening up", "go with the flow", "it's ok to smile", "it's ok to take risks on people and circumstances", "i can deal with it regardless of what might come my way", are all positive affirmations that happen in therapy. Usually when all this happens, one can see the multiplication of spontaneity in a person's life and then re(dis)covery.
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